“Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool.”
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“Any man can give love where he's sure of its return. That isn't love at all. But, to give love with no merit, no thought of return, no thought of gratitude even, that's ordinarily the privilege of God.”

Barbara Stanwyck - Megan

“We will now present for your entertainment the most stupendous, magnificent, super-colossal spectacle! On this tiny, little, insignificant ball, we will construct for you a pyramid! Not of wood, not of stone... pyramid, of ponderous, pulsating, pulchritudinous pachyderms!”
Herman Bing - The Ringmaster

“- Joseph Tura: Her husband is that great, great Polish actor, Joseph Tura. You've probably heard of him.
- Colonel Ehrhardt: Oh, yes. As a matter of fact I saw him on the stage when I was in Warsaw once before the war. What he did to Shakespeare we are now doing to Poland.”

Jack Benny - Joseph Tura
Sig Ruman - Colonel Ehrhardt

“- Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible!
- Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
- Danny Madigan: But... that was you! You were in that movie!”

Austin O'Brien - Danny Madigan
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Jack Slater