“- Jack Slater: My hand. It really hurts.
- Danny Madigan: Things work different here. You can't smash a car window with your bare hand and not have it hurt.
- Jack Slater: Thanks for sharing. Couldn't you have told me this earlier?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Jack Slater
Austin O'Brien - Danny Madigan

“- Brennan Huff: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
- Derek: What?
- Brennan Huff: If you lick my butt hole.”
Will Ferrell - Brennan Huff
Adam Scott - Derek

“- Jay: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
- Frank the Pug: Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.”
Will Smith - Jay
Tim Blaney - Frank the Pug

“- Elizabeth Tyson: Go, Linus! Don't think!
- Linus Larrabee: [hesitantly] She... she must absolutely hate me!
- Maude Larrabee: She'll get over it. We all do... Linus, you know I love you. No mother could be prouder. But I think it's time that you ran away from home.”

Lauren Holly - Elizabeth Tyson
Harrison Ford - Linus Larrabee
Nancy Marchand - Maude Larrabee

You know that Julie chick? Loves you. You want her? Gotta play it cool, you know. You can't let her know how much you like her cause if she knows, she'll dump you like that. Believe me. Like, if she asks you if you want a ride, you say, "No, I've got my own ride, but maybe I'll see you later". Sounds stupid, doesn't it? It works.
Sasha Jenson - Don Dawson