“She looked at me like I was a dope, which I never really minded from her. And she had a point, I guess. We knew each other as well then as now. Anyway, well enough.”

Billy Bob Thornton - Ed Crane

“- Peevy: You got a good thing goin' on with that girl, Clifford. And I'm tellin' you right now, if she flies the coop, it's gonna be your fault.
- Cliff: What do you know about women, Peev? You haven't had a date since 1932.
- Peevy: Flora Maxwell. There wasn't any point datin' nobody after her.”

Alan Arkin - Peevy
Billy Campbell - Cliff

“- Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.”
Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you'll be dating sperm.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Lauren: I'm going out. I'm dating. I'm having fun.
- Trish: You date but you're not taking it seriously.”
Reese Witherspoon - Lauren
Chelsea Handler - Trish