“- Arlene: I'm 35-years-old, Jon!
- Jon: You're not 35-years-old, I'm 40 and you're older than I am!
- Arlene: I'm 35! I got two obnoxious teenage boys and no husband. I have to compete with firm young women and only so much plastic surgery can do for me.”
Christine Ebersole - Arlene Aldrich
Tom Selleck - Jon Aldrich

“If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips!”

Rob Reiner - Dr. Morris Packman

“Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain.”

Rob Reiner - Dr. Morris Packman

“She's had plastic surgery. Her face has changed. You won't recognize her. You'll never find her.”

Mary Anna Reyes - Woman in Torture Room

- Stu: I'm a reconstructive surgeon. If anyone has an accident or was born with a deformity, I'm there to help.
- Charlie: And by "deformity" he means small breasts.
- Stu: He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm out making the world a better place.
Dan Fogler - Stu
Dane Cook - Charlie