“- King: I warn you. Tomorrow's race is the last Cannonball I am financing. If you do not win, do not bother to come home.
- The Sheik: Father, don't worry! I can't lose! I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one. I would like you to meet him. I have told him so much about you.”
Ricardo Montalban - King
Jamie Farr - The Sheik

“In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.”

Bob Uecker - Harry Doyle

“Just remember: you can't win a pissing contest with a prick.”
Swoosie Kurtz - Verna McGrath

“This competition is very important to me. It's not a play to play thing. It's a play to win thing.”
Mary-Kate Olsen - Chloe Lawrence

“- Julio Chavez: Who do you think would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck the Truck?
- Fred Simmons: What are you kidding? The Truck - easy. He's the eight year undefeated kickboxing champion. Can Bruce Lee say that? No. Bruce Lee is dead.”
Spencer Moreno - Julio Chavez
Danny McBride - Fred Simmons