“Why don't you get me a boat? And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff! Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for 5 years, but not me.”

Jennifer Aniston - Grace Connelly

- Sam "Ace" Rothstein: From now on, I want you to put an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin... an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.
- Baker: Do you know how long that's going to take?
- Sam "Ace" Rothstein: I don't care how long it takes. Put an equal amount in each muffin.

Robert De Niro - Sam "Ace" Rothstein
Jack Orend - Baker

“- Wolf W. Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?
- Nicky Flippers: You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.”
Patrick Warburton - Wolf W. Wolf
David Ogden Stiers - Nicky Flippers

“- Shareholder: I wanted to be a magician!
- Longfellow Deeds: What do you do now?
- Shareholder: I operate a pornographic website.
- Longfellow Deeds: I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.”
Andy Kreiss - Shareholder
Adam Sandler - Longfellow Deeds

“- Vilos Cohaagen: Richter, you know why I'm such a happy person?
- Richter: No, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Because I have one of the greatest jobs in the solar system.”

Ronny Cox - Vilos Cohaagen
Michael Ironside - Richter