“We don't even have money in our budget for coffee filters. We're using a yarmulke!”
Ellen Lee DeGeneres - Cynthia

“- Jay: Where would someone like grandma hide her money?
- Arty: You're not thinking of stealing it, are you?
- Jay: No, but what if we just borrowed it? I'd just love to send Pop an envelope with $9,000.
- Arty: Who would he think sent it to him... God?”
Brad Stoll - Jay
Mike Damus - Arty

“- Hank: A plan?
- Sarah: Yeah.
- Hank: Like the one to take the money back to the plane, and we end up killing Stephanson. Or maybe the one where we tape Lou and two more people end up dead. Is that the sort of plan you're thinking of? Well, I've got a plan! I'm taking the money back right now, all of it!”
Bill Paxton - Hank
Bridget Fonda - Sarah

“He's in the Jewish Mafia. It's probably more like a club than an organization.”
Sam Rockwell - Sam

Hitler goes to a fortune-teller and asks, "When will I die?" and the fortune-teller replies, "On a Jewish holiday". Hitler then asks, "How do you know that?" and she replies, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday".
Robin Williams - Jakob