“- Tweeter: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
- Billy Bob: That's funny.
- Tweeter: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.”
Scott Caan - Tweeter
Ron Lester - Billy Bob

“- Eric Matthews: All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.
- Gracie Hart: Gracie Lou Freebush?
- Eric Matthews: Yeah, remember, you like that name.
- Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.”
Benjamin Bratt - Eric Matthews
Sandra Bullock - Gracie Hart

“- Ernest Menville: Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what? At the cost of all else? Do you know?
- Helen Sharp: No.
- Ernest Menville: An idiot.”
Bruce Willis - Ernest Menville
Goldie Hawn - Helen Sharp

“- Angela McCourt: I was thinking of calling him Alphonsius.
- Middle Frank: Alphonsius? That's a stupid name!”
Emily Watson - Angela McCourt
Ciaran Owens - Middle Frank

“- The Coachman: I'm collecting stupid little boys.
- J. Worthington Foulfellow: Stupid little boys?
- The Coachman: The disobedient ones who play hooky from school.”
Charles Judels - The Coachman
Walter Catlett - J. Worthington Foulfellow