“- Olive: You know, the sad thing is, Evan, if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might've said yes.
- Evan: Really? Do you wanna go out with me?
- Olive: Not now I don't, shit-dick.”

Emma Stone - Olive
Jameson Moss - Evan

“- Preston Waters: When will I see you again?
- Shay Stanley: Why don't you give me a call in, let's say, 10 years?
- Preston Waters: Five.
- Shay Stanley: Seven.
- Preston Waters: Six.
- Shay Stanley: Okay, it's a date.”
Brian Bonsall - Preston Waters
Karen Duffy - Shay Stanley

“- Clark Griswold: Could I do your back, honey?
- Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
- Clark Griswold: Could I do your front?
- Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.”
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“- Miss Millie: Your children are so clean. Would you like to work for me, be my maid?
- Sofia: Hell no.”
Dana Ivey - Miss Millie
Oprah Winfrey - Sofia

“- Leonard Marliston: Cindy, come on, I think it's important in time like this, we offer each other some support.
- Cindy: I'd like to offer the killer's ass some support... in the fucking electric chair.”
Jay Mohr - Leonard Marliston
Kristen Miller - Cindy