“- Jack Byrnes: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
- Greg Focker: Of course, yeah.
- Jack Byrnes: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.”
Robert De Niro - Jack Byrnes
Ben Stiller - Greg Focker

“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.”
Jamie Kennedy - Randy

“- Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. Ok, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
- Vicky: None?
- Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.”
Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
Tara Reid - Vicky

“- Prom Chaperone: I can't allow you to leave. You're either going out for drugs or drink. It's against the rules.
- Rosie: It's okay. We're just having some kinky sex.
- Prom Chaperone: Oh, alright.”
Laurie B. McCormick - Prom Chaperone
Michele Tobin - Rosie

“You know the rules. Keep you mouth shut and your legs open.”
Mere Boynton - Mavis