“- Hansel - 6 years old: Jesus says the darndest things.
- Hedwig: Don't you ever mention that name to me again.
- Hansel - 6 years old: But he died for our sins.
- Hedwig: So did Hitler!”
Ben Mayer-Goodman - Hansel - 6 years old
John Cameron Mitchell - Hedwig

“Jesus was never meant to die. He failed.”
Patrick Brymer - Dr. Dwyer

“We are all culpable in the death of Christ. My sins, your sins put Him on that cross.”
Jim Caviezel

“- French Squire 1: An Englishman will not win this French tournament. English legs are unsteady on French soil.
- French Squire 2: And because French wine is too much for English bellies.
- French Squire 3: And most importantly, because the Pope himself is French.
- Roland: Well, the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English! You're on!”
Miroslav Mokos - French Squire
Noel le Bon - French Squire
Scott Bellefeville - French Squire
Mark Addy - Roland

“- Mitch Weaver: There's two kinds of people in this world: those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping.
- Kathy: Where'd you come up with that theory?
- Mitch Weaver: That famous guy said it. What's his name? Uh... oh, yeah: Jesus!”
Norm MacDonald - Mitch Weaver
Traylor Howard - Kathy