- Keller Coleman: Do you know what people mean when they say "safe sex"?
- Keller's Grandfather: Keller, at my age there ain't no such thing. I could keel over right in the middle of it. At my age you don't worry about catchin' somethin'. You worry about finishing up in one piece.
Breckin Meyer - Keller Coleman
Wayne Tippit - Keller's Grandfather

“- Helen Gordon: You're making a noise.
- Harold Anderson: That's my penis. It hums.
- Helen Gordon: I guess it doesn't know the words. Well, I can teach it a few.”
Linda Fiorentino - Helen Gordon
Garry Shandling - Harold Anderson

“Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!”
Tom Cruise - Frank T.J. Mackey

“- Jimmie Shannon: Just give me the damn symbolic vaginas.
- Marco: You are sick!”
Chris O'Donnell - Jimmie Shannon
Artie Lange - Marco

“- Ramon: You have to say something nice about my penis!
- Romy White: Oh, Ramon! Your penis is so powerful! I'm coming! Okay, thanks, get off me now.”
Jacob Vargas - Ramon
Mira Sorvino - Romy White