“You know, at one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. But I decided that was an idea way before its time. Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing. Oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage.”
Ruth Gordon - Maude

“- Steve Dodds: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
- Mike Donnelly: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
[turns to state trooper]
- Mike Donnelly: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!”

David Spade - Steve Dodds
Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly

“You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died.”

Samuel L. Jackson - Agent Augustus Gibbons

“I had better sex in prison.”
Ben Affleck - Rudy Duncan

“- Peter: The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-securityresort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
- Samir: Really?
- Peter: Yes.
- Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.”

Ron Livingston - Peter
Ajay Naidu - Samir
David Herman - Michael Bolton