“- Sister Superior: You stole money because you want to get out of organized crime?
- Brian Hope: Oh, it was stolen already.”
Janet Suzman - Sister Superior
Eric Idle - Brian Hope

“- Alice the Teller: Mary, what do I do when I'm being robbed?
- Eugene: You give us the money, that's what you do, beard face!”
Nancy Parsons - Alice the Teller
George Dzundza - Eugene

“- Policeman: This postal ploy of yours is the most evil caper of our age, Mr. Sender. How will you ever top yourself?
- Evil Sender: With a crime so unthinkable that no-one has ever dared to attempt to attempt it: to rob an entire nation of its garbage.
- Policeman: The one resource no-one ever thinks to protect!”
Scott Kraft - Policeman
Sir Christopher Lee - Evil Sender

“She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.”

Dudley Moore - Arthur Bach

“- Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
- Irwin 'Fletch' Fletcher: Why? Did you steal the car?
- Teenager: I sure did.
- Irwin 'Fletch' Fletcher: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.”
David W. Harper - Teenager
Chevy Chase - Irwin 'Fletch' Fletcher