“That is excellent news! Phillip, have the servants supply this messenger with much food and drink. And let him lay with any damsel that he desires, except my daugher, of course.”

Kevin Conway - King Leo

“- News Reporter: Mr. Vanderhoff, would you care to comment on the rumor that President Roosevelt has been assassinated?
- Vincent Vanderhoff: Guys, how am I supposed to know that? I haven't been upstairs yet. Excuse me.”

Fred Willard - Vincent Vanderhoff

“The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.”

Jason Lee - Brodie

“That was the worst fuckin' head I ever got in my life! Next time don't be so fuckin' eager!”

Juliette Lewis - Mallory Knox

“- Andy: What do you wanna do?
- Keiran: Let's have sex.
- Andy: That's a rare idea. All we do is have sex. I think one day you're gonna kill me if I can't perform.”
Luke Wilson - Andy
Kristin Lehman - Keiran