“- Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
- Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.”
Will Ferrell - Brennan Huff
John C. Reilly - Dale Doback

“- Doreen: Kids, where's your father?
- Wally's daughter : He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Doreen: Again?”
Kevin McDonald - Doreen
Erica Fairfield - Wally's daughter

“Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes. And they're cool and available and addictive. The job is almost done for us!”
J. K. Simmons - BR

“- Joey Naylor: Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?
- Nick Naylor: You're too young to understand.
- Joey Naylor: Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp.
- Nick Naylor: Well, that's one theory.”
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor
Cameron Bright - Joey Naylor

“Could I get a real bottle, please? I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.”

Amy Poehler - Maggie