“- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
- Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.”
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
John P. Navin Jr. - Cousin Dale

“What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?”

Peter Dante - Dante

“Metamucil. It helps you go to the toilet. If you don't use it, you get cancer and die.”
J. T. Walsh - Drucker

“It's good for my skin. You know if you do enough of that stuff over a very short period of time, you get, like, these canker sores on your tongue.”

Bill Pullman - Daryl Zero

“- Cigaweed Man: That's nothing but a cigarette...
- Carter: That's cigaweed!
- Cigaweed Man: Well it looked like a cigarette...
- Carter: You better have glaucoma.
- Cigaweed Man: I do.”
Wayne King - Cigaweed Man
Chris Tucker - Carter