“- Sheldon Flender: I have never had a play produced. That's right. And I've written one play a year for the past twenty years.
- David Shayne: Yes, but that's because you're a genius. And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent. Means you're a genius.”
Rob Reiner - Sheldon Flender
John Cusack - David Shayne

“- Cindy: Girls have to do everything. Boys are totally clueless when it comes to sex. It starts with them trying to unhook our bras, fumbling around, and it never changes. Wait until they try to put their dick into you.
- Diana: Please don't say they need help with that.
- Cindy: Always.”
Kristen Miller - Cindy
Jessica Driscoll - Diana, Principal's Secretary

“- Larry Johnson: Y'know, maybe there is nothin' wrong with us, maybe it's just in our heads.
- Muggsy Bogues: Yeah, we're all right. It's just some psychosomatic deal, or something to do with the alignment of the Moon or another planet.”

Larry Johnson - Himself
Tyrone Bogues - Muggsy Bogues

“I had a date with a pilot last night. Couldn't get my seat back in the upright position. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? No, you wouldn't.”
Ellen Lee DeGeneres - Janet Hall

“- Marty O'Reilly: This guy you're talking about, he can't sing at all.
- Angelo Pardipillo: He can't sing? Then why has he got such a big band?
- Wally Jatczak: To drown him out!”
Carroll O'Connor - Marty O'Reilly
Robert Loggia - Angelo Pardipillo
William Bronder - Wally Jatczak