- Granny Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard the expression "mercy hump"?
- Papa Klump: Say what?
- Granny Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Eddie Murphy - Granny Klump
Eddie Murphy - Papa Klump

“You bring me over here and you tell me I'm the worst lover you ever had. And now you tell me it can't be helped!”
Brian McCardie - Eric

“- Samantha Swoboda: We better crash at your guys' place for a while in case they come after us.
- Miles Kitchen: Oh sure. 'Hi Mom, Dad. This fourteen-year-old girl, she's just sleeping over tonight. Don't mind me, I'll be upstairs, in my room, entering puberty!'. Are you nuts?”
Jessica Alba - Samantha Swaboda
Kenneth A. Brown - Miles Kitchen

“- George: Hey Jack, ever get a boner? You know, an erector.
- Jack Powell: Not yet, I'm hoping to get one for Christmas.”
Mario Yedidia - George
Robin Williams - Jack Powell

“I wouldn't do that for all the teenage twat in Thailand.”
Pierce Brosnan - Julian Noble