“- Frank Wagstaff: You're talking to the wrong team.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!”

Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“They all played football somewhere, not all of them in the pros, but they all have something unique to bring to the game. We're going to try to get these people together and try to put together a winning team. If nothing else, they should be fun to watch.”
Gene Hackman - Jimmy McGinty

“- Brock Kelley: You don't want us to win games?
- Grant Taylor: No. Not if that's our main goal. Winning football games is too small a thing to live for. And I love football as much as anybody. But even championship trophies will collect dust and one day be forgotten.”
Jason McLeod - Brock Kelley
Alex Kendrick - Grant Taylor

“- Weldon: The winner and new owner of the Coliseum, Mr. Tommy Lee! Say a few words, champ.
- Tommy Lee: The Coliseum is closed.”
Wayne Newton - Weldon
Phillip Rhee - Tommy Lee

“He who gets the first soundbite wins.”
Charlie Sheen - Bobby Bishop