“- Short Girl: Hey, get out of here.
- Damian: Oh my God, Danny DeVito! I love your work!”

Kristen Bone - Short Girl
Daniel Franzese - Damian

“You know who else I don't get? Vin Diesel. I mean, is he good looking? Is he Chinese, or what? I mean, I don't know.”
David Spade - Dickie Roberts

“Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A., nobody's ever who they appear to be. Other than John Tesh, who's probably exactly who he appears to be.”
Eric McCormack - Mark

“- Michael Burgess: I'm trying to get used to how different you look. You know, you're two different people!
- Faith Healy: Oh, well, if all I could be is two different people, I'd be out of business!”

Alan Alda - Michael Burgess
Michelle Pfeiffer - Faith Healy

“- Casting Agent: You have a malevolent presence. You are a perfect build. I could see you as Dracula, Frankenstein.
- Tommy Wiseau: I’m not Frankenstein! I am hero.”
Greg Sestero - Casting Agent
James Franco - Tommy