“The trouble with kids is they always figure they're smarter than their parents.”
William Demarest - Constable Edmund Kockenlocker

“- Lucy Miller: Are you Santa Claus? Because you have a reindeer.
- Scott Calvin: Lots of people have reindeer.
- Lucy Miller: Name five.”
Liliana Mumy - Lucy Miller
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin

“- Lucy Miller: Are you an elf?
- Curtis: Why, no, of course not.
- Lucy Miller: Then why do you have pointy ears?
- Curtis: Because I didn't eat my green vegetables.”
Liliana Mumy - Lucy Miller
Spencer Breslin - Curtis

What's "tainted", is that like "painted"?
Tessa Allen - Gracie Hiller

“Did you know pigs are as smart as dogs? It's true. I knew this guy in El Capitan who taught his pig to bark at strangers.”
Casey Siemaszko - Charles 'Charley' Bowdre