“- Leigh Anne Tuohy: Michael, I want you to have a good time but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I will crawl into the car, drive up to Oxford and cut off your penis.
- S.J. Tuohy: She means it.”
Sandra Bullock - Leigh Anne Tuohy
Jae Head - S.J. Tuohy

- Dr. Alex Hesse: I've noticed that the side effects of pregnancy are greatly amplified... With the dosage of Expectane that l've required. The morning sickness, the mood swings. Sleepiness, sexual appetite.
- Dr. Larry Arbogast: Sexual appetite?
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Yesterday, just scooping the middle out of a honeydew melon gave me a... a "Steifen".
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Dr. Alex Hesse
Danny DeVito - Dr. Larry Arbogast

“I want you to understand somethin', pal. If you don't disappear from my family's life, I'm gonna rip your balls off and shove 'em so far up your ass they'll come out your fuckin' mouth! You got that, my friend?”

William Petersen - Steve Walker

“Stay the fuck away from the girl, or else I'll beat you with my nut sack!”
Phil Schmeidel - Billy

“- Wanda Gershwitz: I thought you weren't jealous?
- Otto: I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!”
Jamie Lee Curtis - Wanda Gershwitz
Kevin Kline - Otto