“- Lonnie Ritter: Kids today are amazing. I played winter ball down in Venezuela, they had kids half his age, every one of them speaking Spanish. That's a hard language.
- Lou Collins: They speak Spanish in Venezuela.
- Lonnie Ritter: I know! That's my point!”
Joseph Latimore - Lonnie Ritter
Timothy Busfield - Lou Collins

“The trouble with kids is they always figure they're smarter than their parents.”
William Demarest - Constable Edmund Kockenlocker

“- Lucy Miller: Are you Santa Claus? Because you have a reindeer.
- Scott Calvin: Lots of people have reindeer.
- Lucy Miller: Name five.”
Liliana Mumy - Lucy Miller
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin

“Did you know pigs are as smart as dogs? It's true. I knew this guy in El Capitan who taught his pig to bark at strangers.”
Casey Siemaszko - Charles 'Charley' Bowdre

“You just stay here with the pork. They're smarter than you anyway. You might learn something.”
Casey Siemaszko - Charles 'Charley' Bowdre