“I am smoking cigarettes and some of my friends have died of them, but I am not downing a quart of Scotch in fifteen minutes. Looked at that way, cigarettes are actually a health tool!”

“- CC Bloom: Hmm. Marge, you ought to cut down on the gasoline. It's bad for the complexion.
- Hillary: She could be dead.
- CC Bloom: Nah. If she was dead she would've dropped the bottle.”

Bette Midler - CC Bloom
Barbara Hershey - Hillary Whitney Essex

“- Harold: Don't you ever worry about your liver?
- Jeff: Nah, we're just good friends.”
Bob Hoskins - Harold
Derek Thompson - Jeff

“- Frank Detorre: I feel a little fluey.
- Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.
- Frank Detorre: Is beer fluid?”
Bill Murray - Frank Detorre
Chris Elliott - Bob

“- Dede Truitt: I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.
- Bill Truitt: Is that a good idea, for the baby?
- Dede Truitt: Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.”
Christina Ricci - Dede Truitt
Martin Donovan - Bill Truitt