“- Commissioner Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honoured for his 1000th drug-dealer killed.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers.”
Jacqueline Brookes - Commissioner Brumford
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“- Igby: You don't roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.
- Sookie: I guess marijuana isn't a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.”
Kieran Culkin - Igby
Claire Danes - Sookie

“- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Are you perchance a nurse?
- Lila: No, I used to be a junkie.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?
- Lila: You're the doctor.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.”
Robert Preston - Dr. Irving Finegarten
Jennifer Edwards - Lila

“Faith may move mountains; this stuff makes them fly.”
John Kapelos - Joel Miller

“- Igby: It's incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.
- Sookie: You make it sound as if I'm anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.”
Kieran Culkin - Igby
Claire Danes - Sookie