“Then I have to shoot you. Now, since we might be legally related someday, I'll give you the option of taking it on the backside. Won't hurt as bad.”

Ed O'Neill - Dutch Dooley

“- Dexter Reed: When those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!
- Kurt Bozwell: That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.
- Dexter Reed: What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?
- Kurt Bozwell: No, I'll shut them for you.”
Kenan Thompson - Dexter Reed
Jan Schweiterman - Kurt Bozwell

“- Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
- Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.”
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“- Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
- Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
- Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
- Clark Griswold: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us.”
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

“- Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
- Clark Griswold: No, sir, I don't.
- Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.”
James Keach - Motorcycle Cop
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold