“Well, you must be Jake's hot date. I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce even though I'm engaged to another man.”
Reese Witherspoon - Melanie Smooter

“- Florence: Listen, Joan Gale's body was swiped from the morgue, have you ever heard of such a thing as a death mask?
- Jim: I used to be married to one.
- Florence: Then it came to life and divorced you, I know all about that.”
Glenda Farrell - Florence
Frank McHugh - Jim

“My ex-wife left me for another woman.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie - still are!
- The Shoveller: I understand.
- Lucille: If one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you!
- The Shoveller: That's fair.”

Jenifer Lewis - Lucille
William H. Macy - Shoveler

“When a woman unloads a husband, or a husband unloads a woman, however it happens, death, desertion, divorce - the three D’s, when that happens, a woman blooms. She blossoms. Like flowers. Like fruit. She is ripe.”
Jack Nicholson - Daryl Van Horne