“- Don Birnam: One should always see Shakespeare on an empty stomach.
- Gloria: Not even a pretzel?”
Ray Milland - Don Birnam
Doris Dowling - Gloria

“- Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau: Why would you possibly want to be in a play when you could be in a film?
- Greta Schroeder: An audience gives me life. This... thing only takes it from me.”
John Malkovich - Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau
Catherine McCormack - Greta Schröder

“During the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire Marshall came over and they shut us down for a couple of days.”
Christopher Guest - Corky St. Clair

“My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I earned a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.”
Catherine Zeta-Jones - Velma Kelly

- Woman at Car: Did you like the opera, dear?
- Vivian Ward: It was so good, I almost peed my pants!
- Edward Lewis: She said she liked it better than "Pirates of Penzance".
Tracy Reiner - Woman at Car
Julia Roberts - Vivian Ward
Richard Tiffany Gere - Edward Lewis