“- James Ubriacco: Mike, what do you think of this suit?
- Mikey Ubriacco: You look like my principal.”
John Travolta - James
David Gallagher - Mikey Ubriacco

“- Deborah: Do you really hate this dress?
- Nick: What I really hate is this jacket, this white jacket. I look like a Brazilian gigolo.”
Bette Midler - Deborah
Woody Allen - Nick

“- Aaron Levinsky: You look wonderful.
- Claudia Draper: You know what I use this dress for? For the ones who want to sit on Mommy's lap.”

Richard Stephen Dreyfuss - Aaron Levinsky
Barbra Streisand - Claudia Draper

“What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.”

Edward Andrews - Howard

“Well, I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without crap in your pants!”
Fei Lung - Master Pain (Betty)