You know, when you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you, he had but one hope: "someday, my son will grow to be a man". Well look at you now; you just got your asses whipped, by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
John Goodman - Coach Harris

“- Guard #2: She's dead.
- Hector Gomez: Hell, she isn't dead. This doctor shot her up with sodium pentothal to make this fellow think she was dead. So you wouldn't suck the blood outta her, you bastard.”

Joel Levine - Guard #2
Robert Beltran - Hector Gomez

“- Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
- Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!”
Udo Kerr - Ronald Camp
Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura

“- Parole Officer: You better be there or you'll be having dinner with the sheriff.
[erupts into coughing fit]
- Parole Officer: You understand me, boy?
- Early Grayce: I understand you need to take care of that cough. Put a paper bag over your head and breathe deep. Works every time... peg-armed piece of shit.”
Judson Vaughn - Parole Officer
Brad Pitt - Early Grayce

“You bring in a sous chef from an Italian restaurant and I'm the one in therapy?”

Catherine Zeta-Jones - Kate