- Jennifer Baker: You said "Love Cake"!
- Pistachio Disguisey: Why would I say that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny!
- Jennifer Baker: What?
- Pistachio Disguisey: What I was trying to say is that I have a present for Barney. [hands her knee pads] Tell him they are from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.
Jennifer Esposito - Jennifer Baker
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey

“- Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
- Clark Griswold: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
- Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.”
Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

“- Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?
- Josh: They're not hookers! They're massage therapists.”
Allen Covert - Alex
Jonathan Loughran - Josh

- Ben Harrison: See Mom? I told you! I'm telepathetic.
- Jackie Harrison: You mean “telepathic”.
- Ben Harrison: That's what I said.
Susan Sarandon - Jackie Harrison
Liam Aiken - Ben Harrison

“- Clark Griswold: There it is, kids, my motherland.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
- Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.”

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Jason Lively - Rusty Griswold