“- News Reporter: Mr. Vanderhoff, would you care to comment on the rumor that President Roosevelt has been assassinated?
- Vincent Vanderhoff: Guys, how am I supposed to know that? I haven't been upstairs yet. Excuse me.”

Fred Willard - Vincent Vanderhoff

“It's finding the center of your story, the beating heart of it, that's what makes a reporter. You have to start by making up some headlines. You know: short, punchy, dramatic headlines.”
Gordon Pinsent - Billy Pretty

“There's still so many things I don't know. If a piece of knotted string can unleash the wind, and if a drowned man can awaken, then I believe a broken man can heal. Headline: Deadly storm takes house, leaves excellent view.”
Kevin Spacey - Quoyle

“- Bernie White: What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?
- Henry Hackett: Nazis marching in New Jersey.
- Lou: There you go.
- Bernie White: Nazis are a barrel of laughs.”
Robert Duvall - Bernie White
Michael Keaton - Henry Hackett
Geoffrey Owens - Lou

“- Marion Sandusky: You made my wife cry when she reads the paper.
- Michael McDougal: At least she bought it, didn't she?”
Jason Alexander - Marion Sandusky
Randy Quaid - Michael McDougal