“- Irene Reppler: Jim Grondin. I had you in school, didn't I?
- Jim: Yes, ma'am. Me and my sister Pauline.
- Irene Reppler: Pair of underachievers.”
Frances Sternhagen - Irene Reppler
William Sadler - Jim

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
- Professor in Wagstaff's Study: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Where they always sleep: in the classroom.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
E.H. Calvert - Professor in Wagstaff's Study

“- Miss Evelyn Togar: What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?
- Riff Randell: I've seen the errors of my ways. I'd just like to say to all students everywhere that you may think the school is yours for a while, but it's always run by the principal and her administration.”
Mary Woronov - Miss Evelyn Togar
P.J. Soles - Riff Randell

“Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.”
Justin Long - Bartleby Gaines

“Of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year, less than 2% can tell you what a fax machine is, name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was!”
Matt Lauer - Himself