“- Ray: My basic diagnosis of your fundamental problem is... do you want to hear it?
- John Hancock: No.
- Ray: You're an asshole. I know. I call it like I see it, though. It's not a crime to be an asshole, but it's very counter-productive.”
Jason Bateman - Ray
Will Smith - John Hancock

“I don't like Bull Riders... They're little men with big egos. Besides, he's got one of them skinny butts like the rest of em'.”
Cynthia Geary - Kellie Frost

“- Rosie Morales: I'm pregnant… Well aren't you gonna say anything?
- Bob Morales: What's there to say? It's not my first. Or my last.”
Elizabeth Peña - Rosie Morales
Esai Morales - Bob Morales

“You know, my old man wasn't around when I was born. Why should I be?”
Esai Morales - Bob Morales

“- Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
- Osmosis Jones: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
- Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.”
Brandy Norwood - Leah
Chris Rock - Osmosis Jones