“- Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
- Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.”
Gary Cole - Cotton McKnight
Jason Bateman - Pepper Brooks

“- Knute Rockne: Coach, let us use the forward pass, I know it'll work.
- Notre Dame Coach Harper: I'm not so sure. We've never seen it in a game.
- Knute Rockne: Neither has the Army, what can we lose?”
Pat O'Brien - Knute Rockne
John Gallaudet - Notre Dame Coach Harper

“- Texas Man: Am I going too fast for ya?
- Pistachio Disguisey: Am I going to fast for ya?
- Texas Wife: Are you mocking my husband?
- Pistachio Disguisey: Are you mocking my husband?
- Texas Wife: ‘Cuz you better not be.
- Pistachio Disguisey: ‘Cuz you better not be.”
Robert Machray - Texas Man
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey
Rachel Lederman - Texas Wife

“Pass, shoot, score!”
Chris Koch - Mark Pavelich

“- Margaret Wade: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
- Dennis Mitchell: Oh, really? Like what?
- Margaret Wade: We could practice singing songs. Or put on a play, or a puppet show.
- Joey: We could bury you alive.
- Margaret Wade: I could pound your face.”
Amy Sakasitz - Margaret Wade
Mason Gamble - Dennis Mitchell
Kellen Hathaway - Joey