“- Mortdecai: What kind of hell-place is this? I feel as though we've made a wrong turn and arrived on the set of a pornographic film.
- Mortdecai: [To the Hotel clerk] Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived on the set of a pornographic film?”

Johnny Depp - Mortdecai

“Don't let people lie to you: hostels are for the ugly.”

Kip Pardue - Victor

“- Richard Gecko: Well what do they got?
- Seth Gecko: They have four walls and a bed and that's all we need.”

Quentin Tarantino - Richard Gecko
George Clooney - Seth Gecko

“I dream of being in a Las Vegas hotel where all of the towels smell like Downy Fabric Softener.”
Cameron Diaz - Freddie Clayton

“If there's no room at the Hotel Genius, I'll take a room at the Hotel Imbecile.”
Roberto Benigni - Driver - Rome