“Is that a dagger in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

Kristy McNichol - Mabel Stanley

“- Jo Bob Priddy: Where's your gun, Elliott?
- Phillip Elliott: Freud says that guns are an extension of your dick, Jo Bob.”
Bo Svenson - Jo Bob Priddy
Nick Nolte - Phillip Elliott

- Angelica Chaste: Seems mine is bigger than yours.
- Stevie "The Rose" Rosellini: Size doesn't matter.
- Angelica Chaste: Oh, yes it does.
- Stevie "The Rose" Rosellini: You mean those girls have been lying to me all those years?

Sheryl Lee - Angelica Chaste
Jim Belushi - Stevie "The Rose" Rosellini

“- Jensen: Ohhhh... shit. She's got a gun and... it's pointed at my dick. Clay, it's pointed at my dick!
- Pooch: Would you rather it was pointed at your face?
- Jensen: I know it makes no sense, but yes!”

Chris Evans - Jensen
Columbus Short - Pooch

- Brian: God bless you.
- Larry Gigli: Thank you.
- Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say "God bless you, penis".
Justin Bartha - Brian
Ben Affleck - Larry Gigli