“- Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
- Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!”
John C. Reilly - Dale Doback
Will Ferrell - Brennan Huff

You guys... you guys are all the same! The doctors at the hospital, you... it's always what I'm going to do for you. And then you screw up, and it's, "Ah, we did the best that we could, I'm dreadfully sorry". And people like us live with your mistakes the rest of our lives.
James Handy - Kevin Doneghy

“My doctor totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, I get off the surgery table looking life freakin' Shrek.”
Shawn Wayans - Kevin Copeland

- Dr. Kersten: Funky, buttloving!
- George: Did he say "funky buttloving?"
Ross Lehman - Dr. Kersten
Patrick LaBrecque - George

“- Eugene G. Roe: You're a good nurse.
- Renee Lemaire: No. I never want to treat another wounded man again. I'd rather work in a butcher's shop.”
Shane Taylor - Eugene G. Roe
Lucie Jeanne - Renee Lemaire