“- Nina Lonescu: What will you tell the doctor?
- Phil Blackwood: That I shot myself.
- Nina Lonescu: With a bow and arrow?
- Phil Blackwood: I didn't know it was loaded!”
Paulina Porizkova - Nina Lonescu
Tom Selleck - Phil Blackwood

“- Christina: I got a penis in my eye.
- Courtney: Let me see.
- Christina: How is it? Is it okay?
- Courtney: Yeah, it's okay, but I think you're pregnant.”
Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters
Christina Applegate - Courtney Rockcliffe

“- Female Highway Patrol Officer: Looks like we found something.
- Big John: What's that?
- Female Highway Patrol Officer: A concealed weapon.”

Leilani Sarelle - Female Highway Patrol Officer
Fred Thompson - Big John

“- Jane Spencer: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
- Frank Drebin: I used to have that problem.
- Jane Spencer: What did you do about it?
- Frank Drebin: I just think about baseball.”

Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“It's not your fault - it's men! Testosterone! They should put it in bombs.”

Kathy Bates - Det. Shirley Vogel