“How are you this close to being dragged to hell and still horny?”
William Jackson Harper - Chidi Anagonye

“Alan Harper-You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie Harper-I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan Harper-You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie Harper-Who gave me the penis, Alan?
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“- Terry: Pat, I'd be careful.
- Joe: God bless you. Is it bad? Am I going to go blind?
- Patricia: I don't know.
- Joe: Please take me to a hospital.”

Diana Scarwid - Terry
James Russo - Joe
Alfre Woodard - Patricia

“- Penny Escher: What are we doing here?
- Karen Eiffel: You told me I needed visual stimulation.
- Penny Escher: I meant a museum or something.
- Karen Eiffel: I don't need a museum. I need the infirm.
- Penny Escher: You are the infirm.”

Queen Latifah - Penny Escher
Emma Thompson - Karen Eiffel

“So this is death's waiting room.”

Sean Penn - Paul Rivers