“- Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
- Ishmael: You have a monkey?”

Vanessa Angel - Claudia
Randy Quaid - Ishmael

- Dudley Laywicker: Mother, I have a assignation with a young lady. I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood. Mother, I am going to get laid.
- Dudley's Mother: You're going to be late, dear?
- Dudley Laywicker: Not “late”, mother, “laid”. The past participle of the verb “to lay”. Mother, I am going to screw someone.
Stuart Pankin - Dudley Laywicker
Mina Kolb - Dudley's Mother

“- Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
- Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
- Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
- Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
- Jay: Dude, not all the time.”
Jason Mewes - Jay
Chris Rock - Rufus

“- Malcolm Moldowsky: I am the Congressman's right hand.
- Erin Grant: You must be a very busy man.”
Paul Guilfoyle - Malcolm Moldovsky
Demi Moore - Erin Grant

“- Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
- John Henderson: I want kids.
- Carl: Well, adopt.
- John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
- Carl: Masturbate in the garden.”
John C. McGinley - Carl
Albert Brooks - John Henderson