“Welton Academy, hello. Yes, he is. Just a moment. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton.”

Gale Hansen - Charlie Dalton

“- J.J. McClure: I need a girl.
- Victor Prinzim: Yeah, me too.
- J.J. McClure: You?
- Victor Prinzim: Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.
- J.J. McClure: Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but... just kidding.”
Burt Reynolds - J.J. McClure
Dom DeLuise - Victor Prinzim

“- Marquis Robert de la Cheyniest: Corneille! Put an end to this farce!
- Corneille, le majordome: Which one, Your Lordship?”
Marcel Dalio - Marquis Robert de la Cheyniest
Eddy Debray - Corneille, le majordome

“- Clifford Muckle - Boy in Bank: Mommy, doesn't that man have a funny nose?
- Mrs. Muckle - Mother in Bank: You mustn't make fun of the gentleman, Clifford. You'd like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn't you?”

Bobby Larson - Clifford Muckle - Boy in Bank
Jan Duggan - Mrs. Muckle - Mother in Bank

- Michael "Mike" Ward: What's the use of talking to you? You think everything's a joke.
- Martin: It is. If it weren't, life wouldn't be worth living.
John McGuire - Michael "Mike" Ward
Cliff Clark - Martin