“Have you noticed how everybody seems to be dead lately?”
Tommy Lee Jones - Hawk Hawkins

“- Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
- Elf-Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Paige Tamada - Elf-Judy

“Hello, snotface. Yuck, what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier! Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be sick all over you, immediately. Lie down.”

Rik Mayall - Drop Dead Fred

“- Eddie Sparks: You know...for an old broad, you're still pretty sexy.
- Dixie Leonard: How would you know?
- Eddie Sparks: I think I'm getting excited.
- Dixie Leonard: Let me know when you're sure.”
James Caan - Eddie Sparks
Bette Midler - Dixie Leonard

“- Miss Graveley: How old do you think I am young man?
- Sam Marlowe: Hmm... fifty. How old do you think you are?
- Miss Graveley: Forty-two! I can show you my birth certificate.
- Sam Marlowe: I'm afraid you're going to have to show more than your birth certificate to convince a man of that.”
Mildred Natwick - Miss Ivy Gravely
John Forsythe - Sam Marlowe