“- Oliver Hardy: What are all these Romans doing here?
- Stan Laurel: I don't know. Maybe there's a sale at the Forum.”
John C. Reilly - Oliver
Steve Coogan - Stan

Don't anyone say "April Fool's" again or I'll rip them apart!
Amy Steel - Kit

“- Chaz: Why don't you tell us something about yourself?
- Nikki: All right, something about myself... I wanna work with handicapped children, and my parents are my best friends. And I start convent school next semester... and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!”
Clayton Rohner - Chaz
Deborah Goodrich - Nikki

- Sandy Bates: I gotta give my one classical-music joke which I put in every single picture and I invariably cut it out.
- Daisy: Yeah?
- Sandy Bates: Um, uh... "I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night".
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates
Jessica Harper - Daisy

“- Melvin Moody: Hey, Shelly. Do you want to go to the movies?
- Shelley: Sure.
- Melvin Moody: Okay, have a good time while you're there.”
Matt Dillon - Moody
Joan Cusack - Shelley