“- Navin: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
- Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
- Navin: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day!”
Steve Martin - Navin
Jackie Mason - Harry Hartounian

“Although we are constantly exploring the subject, currently there is no direct evidence that links cellphone usage to brain cancer.”
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor

“- Agent Simmons: Nokias are real nasty. You've gotta respect the Japanese. They know the way of the samurai.
- Maggie Madsen: Nokia's from Finland.”

John Turturro - Agent Simmons
Rachael Taylor - Maggie Madsen

“Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“I'm calling from a pay phone because I can't get my piece of shit cell phone to work unless I stand on my head with my fingers up my ass!”
Sasha Alexander - Jackie Samantha Gold