“- John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.
- Max Goldman: What's your point?”
Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson
Walter Matthau - Max Goldman

“Time was on crack today.”
Omar Epps - Mike

“- Dr. Keats: Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts ten seconds.
- Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
- Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.”
Dan Aykroyd - Dr. Keats
Allen Covert - Ten Second Tom

“I want you to get married. I want you to have nine children. And if you only spend five minutes a day with each kid, that's forty-five minutes, and I'd at least have time to go out and get a massage or something.”
Danny Kaye - Phil Davis

“It ain't the six minutes. It's what happens in those six minutes.”
J.C. Quinn - Elmo