“- Gwen Cummings: You don't honestly think I'm going to jail, do you?
- Cornell: No? For driving drunk, crashing into a house, knocking over a lawn jockey that could have been a four-year-old child?
- Gwen Cummings: Yeah, but it wasn't, it was a four-year-old lawn jockey.”
Sandra Bullock - Gwen Cummings
Steve Buscemi - Cornell

“Captain James Macleane, for drunkenness, unruly behavior, causing an affray and disturbing the King's, I hereby sentence you to be placed in the Knightsbridge debtors' jail and to be held there until you are sober. Take him away.”
Michael Culkin - Judge Beresteade

“With all due respect, sir, I just spent 18 hours locked in a jail cell, on no formal charges, getting pulverized by drunken bigots!”
C. Thomas Howell - Mark Watson

If anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn't dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say "oh geez, I didn't know. It's okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink".
Steve Buscemi - Cornell

“- Jeff Dunham: Will you please tell these people I don't abuse drugs?
- Peanut: Okaaay! [turns to the audience] Jeff does not abuse drugs.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
- Peanut: He's an alcoholic.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Peanut