“- Vera Cicero: I sing, tell a few jokes.
- Dixie Dwyer: Tell me a joke.
- Vera Cicero: Hello, sucker.”
Diane Lane - Vera Cicero
Richard Tiffany Gere - Dixie Dwyer

“Lynda, if this is a joke, I'll kill you!”
Jamie Lee Curtis - Laurie Strode

“- Dr. David Kibner: Face it, Bellicec, you got some friends who enjoy playing practical jokes.
- Jack Bellicec: I don't have any friends, Dr. Kibner.
- Dr. David Kibner: Then, some enemies.”
Leonard Nimoy - Dr. David Kibner
Jeff Goldblum - Jack Bellicec

When I was a kid, I was tormented with Polish jokes. Oh, you know, "Who was Poland's Man of the Year?" - Nobody. "How do you sing the Polish National Anthem?" - You don't sing it, you fart it. "How do you tell a Polack's identification?" - By the shit in his wallet.
Dom DeLuise - Marlon Borunki

“- Damien Thorn: Teddy, don't ever talk about my father again. Do you understand?
- Teddy: Can't you take a joke?
- Damien Thorn: Yes.”
Jonathan Scott-Taylor - Damien Thorn
John J. Newcombe - Teddy