“- Dr. Von Zimmer: Has there been some recent change in living arrangements?
- Barbara Whiteman: We have a houseguest.
- Dr. Von Zimmer: Oh. How long are you staying?
- Dave Whiteman: He's staying as long as he likes. And if the doggy doesn't like it, then the doggy can find other living arrangements.”

Donald F. Muhich - Dr. Von Zimmer
Bette Midler - Barbara Whiteman

“- Cynthia: God they totally threw me. They were such assholes.
- Lisa Reisert: Cynthia, there are no guests who are assholes. Only guests with special needs.”
Jayma Mays - Cynthia
Rachel McAdams - Lisa Reisert

“- Briseis: Am I still your captive?
- Achilles: You're my guest.
- Briseis: Guests can leave whenever they want.”
Rose Byrne - Briseis
Brad Pitt - Achilles

“When I'm a guest in another man's house, I don't reach into his refrigerator without asking permission.”
The Rock - Beck

“Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.”
Chevy Chase - Chris Thorne